blinding desperation

the new year. i have to say that perhaps santa didn't read my blog because he didn't send any of the things i wished. oh well. guess i'll be better next year and will have to settle for "seven swans" until then.

just got back from the ywam norway worker's gathering. this year was a bit special. my family was here for christmas and i was worn out in every way after new years. but i was looking forward to the gathering (a first for me) - a sign that life was returning to normal. usually being around 400 people i don't know isn't my idea of fun, but i had such a good time seeing former students and friends. but i also realized the first night there i was empty. absolutely nothing left. and when that happens, i can't help but wonder why i can't stop it from happening. because it does happen. so, i just wanted Jesus to show up. and i think he did, but by the end of the weekend i had this blinding desperation. as i was saying goodbyes, i realized that this might have been the last time i would be at a ywam norway gathering and the feeling was overwhelming. this is my home and for the first time i have realized that i could live here for the rest of my life - and be totally okay with that. but, there's a chance that i will have to leave after july. and it just makes me sad. everything familiar is here. as i was crying in the van on the way home (i longingly remember the days when the tear ducts didn't work), i realized just how all this happens - this emptiness, this blinding desperation. if i take my eyes off of jesus for just a second, life and all it entails calls for desperation. because i just can't function with giving him parts of me. do i trust that he can make a way for me to be here? do i trust that i will one day find that perfect role? do i trust him more than i trust those i see? do i trust that he will make my relationships work? i so want to be grounded in him, be like that unwavering man of God in psalms 1 that is planted by streams of water, who yields fruit, whose leaf does not wither, and prospers in all. so, the question is - how do i do that? well, that person's delight is in the law of the Lord, on which he meditates. i can't believe that i am a Bible teacher and still can't remember that.
enough of blinding desperation for life to work itself out. i don't have time for that. if i'm going to be desperate, it's going to have to be for Him.