blinding desperation

the new year. i have to say that perhaps santa didn't read my blog because he didn't send any of the things i wished. oh well. guess i'll be better next year and will have to settle for "seven swans" until then.

just got back from the ywam norway worker's gathering. this year was a bit special. my family was here for christmas and i was worn out in every way after new years. but i was looking forward to the gathering (a first for me) - a sign that life was returning to normal. usually being around 400 people i don't know isn't my idea of fun, but i had such a good time seeing former students and friends. but i also realized the first night there i was empty. absolutely nothing left. and when that happens, i can't help but wonder why i can't stop it from happening. because it does happen. so, i just wanted Jesus to show up. and i think he did, but by the end of the weekend i had this blinding desperation. as i was saying goodbyes, i realized that this might have been the last time i would be at a ywam norway gathering and the feeling was overwhelming. this is my home and for the first time i have realized that i could live here for the rest of my life - and be totally okay with that. but, there's a chance that i will have to leave after july. and it just makes me sad. everything familiar is here. as i was crying in the van on the way home (i longingly remember the days when the tear ducts didn't work), i realized just how all this happens - this emptiness, this blinding desperation. if i take my eyes off of jesus for just a second, life and all it entails calls for desperation. because i just can't function with giving him parts of me. do i trust that he can make a way for me to be here? do i trust that i will one day find that perfect role? do i trust him more than i trust those i see? do i trust that he will make my relationships work? i so want to be grounded in him, be like that unwavering man of God in psalms 1 that is planted by streams of water, who yields fruit, whose leaf does not wither, and prospers in all. so, the question is - how do i do that? well, that person's delight is in the law of the Lord, on which he meditates. i can't believe that i am a Bible teacher and still can't remember that.
enough of blinding desperation for life to work itself out. i don't have time for that. if i'm going to be desperate, it's going to have to be for Him.

christmas wish list 2007:

non-realistic wishes:
sufjan stevens (the man, not the music)
a bigger apartment
a cleaner apartment
around the world travel ticket

semi-realistic wishes:
sufjan stevens (have to keep the hopes up)
extended norwegian visa
ability to speak norwegian
stress free holidays
for my christmas tree to live
full-time kitchen worker

realistic wishes:
yet again, sufjan stevens
joni mitchell cd
bird by bird by anne lamott
ugg boots
season 7 gilmore girls
season 2 prison break
anti-wrinkle eye cream
vintage material

(what are your wishes?)
merry christmas!

christmas is here. erika from america, helina from estonia, and me - little american lyndee, went in search for a christmas tree on saturday. and we found it! helina made a great slide show of it and soon i'll post a picture of the final product. we "trimmed the tree," ate pepperkaker (gingerbread cookies), christmas bread, and made homemade hot cider. an enjoyable day.

i'm baaack (again)

adventures in scotland.

little happenings, lots of joy

hmm... which one of these doesn't belong?

istanbul

i'm sitting in the office - getting ready for an open meeting with tjebbo. he was a teacher on my dts and is one of the reasons i decided to stay in norway. right outside of the office is the walking street, cafes, and the mall. they have set up a big stage and are showing a football (soccer) game live, right outside. our hometown team (which sucks, by the way) is playing an important game, so the entire town has come. too bad it's right outside where we are going to have our meeting. it will be a long night.
i've been in ethiopia and turkey the past week. what a trip. kristin and i went to visit missionaries sent out from ywam skien. we ate cheap food, laid in the sun, wore funny missionary clothes, talked with lots of people, i cried, met with old friends. i think it's so easy to lose focus about why i am here, why i do what i do. i met with many people who have given up almost everything to be on the mission field. what have i given up? i live in one of the richest countries in the world, voted #1 place to live, and i have everything i need and much more. i don't have to worry about unclean water or even having water. i have heat in my house. i have friends and people like me because i am a christian. i forget all that sometimes. i saw reality in africa, if even for a week - child labor, abuse, lack of food, and poverty. i am doing this - mission work - because there are people who need to know. i might live in a wealthy country, but i have a responsibility not to train people just to become youth pastors or good church members (no offense to anyone who is one of these). if i don't see people with a passion for giving everything for God, i'm pretty sure i've failed. so much to be done.

on a lighter note, i'm so happy for this week! lise and elise are here - 2 of my students from last year who are both very good friends. i'm so excited to spend time with them. they make my heart glad. and... next week i go to scotland (and it's christmas time at starbucks!)!