confessions of a represser

i always wonder what to write, especially knowing that this blog is read by so many different people. "how much should i share?" "how personal should i be?" i always wonder what people think when reading other's blogs.
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it's been a crazy week. God is teaching me so many things. before i begin though, i must recommend "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. i am re-reading it now. i read it earlier in the summer and loved it so much that i read it as fast as possible. but now i'm reading it again so i can catch everything. it's about regaining femininity - what it means to be a woman, how to express yourself as a woman, how to be treated as a woman. it deals much with the heart, overcoming your past. gosh, it's good. all this to say... God has been healing my heart in different areas and showing me many areas where i still don't give Him total control - areas where fear still rules my decisions. it's a bit scary actually, seeing the decisions i make (or don't make) because fear is so big.
i was talking to my roommate the other day. people tell me "lyndee, you're so strong. you're able to handle so much." sometimes i just want to stick my tongue out at the people who say that. i really don't feel so strong. i've also seen that when people have said that to me, i've allowed myself to think that because people think i'm strong, i'm not allowed to show my weaknesses. i've also let it teach me that i just need to move on from the hurts in my life. that's correct in some sense, but in another, those hurts need to be dealt with before moving on. anyway, i was telling my roommate that sometimes i think that if i cry, it means that i'm dealing with situation. but in reality, i believe that the tears are just the surface of pain. dealing with hurts means that i have to take time and think, feel, process, even talk through things - with God, people, myself. so much to learn! i really want to learn to be honest with myself, with God - learn to share everything i'm feeling.
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on to another topic... after being here (illegally) for almost 3 months, i now have my visa! finally. and a great unexpected bonus - it's a 2 year visa! i was told i could only apply for 1 year at a time, but i threw caution to the wind and applied for 2 years and received it! i saved 800 kroner ($120) by doing that.
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i spoke this weekend at a youth night. i was suppose to share in 3 minutes an instance where i experienced the goodness of Jesus. i know Jesus has been good to me, but to have 3 minutes... that's hard (for me). i was so frustrated as we got to the meeting, think i was also frustrating those with me, because nothing was coming to me. every time i have spoken, God has always given me the words to say. i don't know why i get so stressed. once again, He gave me the words. trust lyndee, trust.
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so there it is... my life in 4 paragraphs.